Hebrews 12:14–15 (NKJV) Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;
One of the things that I feel God prompted in my heart fairly early as I sought His help and guidance in navigating the new world of divorce was to fight against bitterness. I say fight, because bitterness is the natural end result of hurt and anger. But bitterness is an unforgiving cancer in the soul. There are many things that can cause hurt which if not addressed will lead to bitterness in the aftermath of divorce. Two sources of hurt that if not addressed will become bitterness are namely, the spouse and people around us (friends, family coworkers etc) whether in the church or not doesn’t really make a difference.
It matters not, their reasons or failings. No matter if they were in the right or in the wrong. People recovering from divorce must find forgiveness for their ex-spouse. They cannot be a foil for bitterness. It is often the case that friends believe that they are being supportive by holding a grudge against your ex. They will put them down or make statements indicating that they “know” how messed up they are. But what we don’t even realize sometimes is that this is just a tool of the enemy of our soul to send us down the road toward bitterness. Because bitterness will rot our soul. Don’t fall for it.
Another source of potential bitterness is how people react to us in the aftermath. Typically people want to comfort, but it often comes across as awkward, particularly if they have not experienced divorce. It’s not their fault and even in their painful statements, it isn’t born out of an intent to hurt. They just don’t know. They don’t know the depth of the pain, they don’t know all of the details, or circumstances. They don’t understand the loneliness or where you are at on the path to healing. However, this is not because they are hateful, fake Christians or somehow spiritual pariahs. It’s none of that. It’s just that they don’t know. Some will say things that evoke emotional hurt in us and some will remain silent, simply because they don’t want to say the wrong thing and they just aren’t sure what to say. It’s not their fault, It’s not some indication of their spiritual obtuseness. We must fight bitterness. Don’t blame other people for their awkwardness or their seeming uncaring silence. I’ve had family say things that are silly. I’ve had coworkers awkwardly change the subject and I’ve had peer ministers say things that are patently ignorant of the circumstances. But blaming them is not the right answer, it will never bring healing.
Although God has done a tremendous amount of healing in my life, there are still scars. Everyone who has experienced divorce whether as the leaving spouse, the left spouse or children will all have their own journey. That journey is often disappointment, experiences, and emotions to be navigated. But from my own experience, Don’t blame. Seek healing. Pray for the ability to forgive or seek forgiveness if that is the more appropriate response. Most of all: FIGHT BITTERNESS in all its forms. It will rot you out and dispose of you and will never be satisfied. …Find a way to forgive