John 13:34-35 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” NKJV
We should remember that our family, our spouse, our friends are first our brothers and sisters in Christ. We should consider that our command to love people in the church and out of the church begins with our own family.
Additionally understand that you cannot serve God without serving man. God’s word clearly instructs us that the way that we serve God is by serving His creation and this always begins at home and expands out.
However sometimes we don’t know HOW to love and the things we do are actually counterproductive to producing love and closeness.
Here we will be learning about two things as described by Willard Harley in his book “Mom’s Needs Dad’s Needs” – love builders and love busters.
Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.” NKJV
We have the power within us to give life and to give death to our relationships. Too often we want to give credit to an outside force or extenuating circumstance for the demise of our relationships. We want to think that there’s nothing we can do to fix our friendships, marriages, etc.
But this scripture tells us otherwise. We have the power to make our relationships (including marriages) live, beginning with the words that we speak. Which also requires that we guard our thoughts.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t have any control. You have the power of life or of death.
Harley’s Love Builders
Harley also has suggestions for building up our account that relate specifically to our marriage relationships that I think are very pertinent. He identifies ten emotional needs that everyone has, but he considers four needs critical for the marriage relationship. I want to share these “Love Builders” with you today:
1. Intimate Conversation
This is to be distinguished from Ordinary conversation that can be met by anyone. We all need ordinary conversation. But in Marriage, you need to be able to talk about very personal feelings, hopes, dreams, hurts, etc. Because if you don’t, your relationship will suffer and become loveless. This involves your willingness and interest in listening to or “hearing” your spouse, friend, relative, or other close companion.
God gave you two ears and one mouth … use them proportionally.
Here are suggestions Harley calls “Friends of Intimate Conversation”:
- Investigate, inform, and understand each other. “How do you feel?” “What are you thinking?”
- Focus on topics of great mutual interest and if necessary educate yourself on topics of interest to your spouse.
- Never interrupt each other and give equal opportunity to talk.
- Give each other undivided attention.
2. Recreational Companionship
A married couple needs to learn to do things that you enjoy together.
“We don’t enjoy the same things”. – Then create some activities that you do enjoy together.
If your greatest recreational enjoyment comes when you are away from your spouse, you are missing opportunities for love bank deposits and running the risk of connecting with someone else who does, and this can lead to marital disaster.
Find recreational activities that you both enjoy and do them together. This may mean that you discover new activities, but you need to do this. I know of a couple who started to learn how to golf together after their children became more independent and they could leave them alone.
3. Intimate Affection
Your spouse needs to know that you love, care, and think about them.
Hugs, affectionate, non-sexual touch.
Cards, flowers, a phone call in the middle of the day.
This is typically easier for women. So men, work at it.
Don’t tell your wife to pick out her own Valentine’s Day card – This is bad mojo.
4. Sexual Fulfillment – or “Fulfillment in the Physical Part of Marital Intimacy”
This is an emotional need that should continue to be fulfilled in a healthy marriage.
It is designed and ordained by God.
If you spend time on the other three Love Builders, this will be more natural.
Don’t be selfish and don’t let this die from your marriage.
Love Busters
Love busters are actions, words, and attitudes that make love withdrawals from your love bank account. Too many withdrawals will lead to bankruptcy which you will find very difficult to build your way out of. Sometimes it will be almost impossible, and take at least twice as long to get out of than it took to get into:
1. Selfish Demands
How do you react when you make a request that is ignored?
Demanding something not willingly given will only destroy love.
Marriage isn’t the Army. There are no privates, sergeants or officers.
When you require compliance in anything with your spouse or other relationships, you are busting love and withdrawing credits.
The antidote to selfish demands are thoughtful requests.
2. Disrespectful Judgements
“I’m just pointing out their personal flaws to help them out.”
Are your opinions ever “superior” to your spouse’s?
Do you ever talk over your spouse, friend, or loved one?
Do you ridicule their opinion?
Do you blindly discard their opinion?
It’s ok to disagree, but it’s abusive to ridicule or discard someone else’s opinion.
3.Angry Outbursts
Proverbs 15:1-2 “A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.” NKJV
Yelling won’t leave a mark on their body, but it does leave a mark on their heart.
Some will say that because they don’t hit, that they are not abusive. But we should understand that lowering our anger on someone has a similar impact on their heart and destroys love in a relationship, including Marriage.
Some Christians will think that their marriage is safe because they “don’t believe in divorce.” But many Christians (including apostolic Pentecostals) are living in legally married relationships, but emotionally divorced from their spouses.
Outbursts of wrath, anger, frustration – whatever you want to call it – is a love buster and will bankrupt your love bank account in your spouse
4. Dishonesty
Being dishonest communicates that you don’t respect, love, or care about the feelings of the person you are being dishonest to.
You cannot truly know someone who is not honest with you.
You cannot interact effectively or lovingly with someone when you are holding back truth.
Dishonesty builds up walls between you and your spouse that can only be torn down through being transparent.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you are “protecting” them by being dishonest.
5. Annoying Habits
This love buster is often ignored. We think, “it’s no big deal”, “get over it”, “if you loved me you wouldn’t care that I do that.”
But the truth is that when we say that, we are communicating, “I don’t care about your feelings” or “You’re not as important as I am.”
If we truly loved our spouse or friend, we would be willing to adjust our annoying behavior to accommodate them.
There should be balance in this, but we should want to avoid habits that really bother someone that we love. Not doing so is a love buster.
6. Independent Behavior
This is any behavior that does not take your spouse’s or friend’s feelings, thoughts, or opinions into mind.
Specifically in Marriage, but in any relationship, we must consider the other person and include them in our actions, activities, and direction.
When you are married you are no longer independent, but Interdependent:
Genesis 2:22-24 “Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
One flesh means one flesh.
All decisions should only be made when there is mutual agreement. And if there isn’t mutual agreement, that decision should wait until there is enthusiastic compromise from both parties found.
We need to focus on building up our love bank balance and busting up love busters. We need to pray that God will give us the strength and ability, and spiritual fortitude to destroy all love busters and commit to quickly apologize when we slip up.
Matthew 5:25-26 “Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny.” NKJV